!

 You lose once more .

grip your shit together girl .

 Because i hate waiting .. and i hate stalking .. and i hate following you .. but i love you .. i love being with you .. i love talking to you .. Hell , i love you so .
BUT , a big but .. can't just pretend that i don't see the smoke when it blinds my eyes , 
That's why i need to get a grip .. if you want me then you know what to do , if you don't then i'm better off alone ..
Please want me as i want you and grab me before i fall .
Love you like a butterfly loves flames of fire.

ya rab...

ya rab ana 3awza mama ..ezay tb3tly mama? ezay tab awsalaha ..nefsy bas to7dony w terga3 tmoot tany .. 7odn wa7ed bas ya rab , 7odn wa7ed w 5odha tany aw 5odny m3aha .. mfesh 7aga laha ta3m.ana men gherek mlesh 7ad , lonely, lonely 7ata wana f west nas kteer .. 7ata msh 3arfa awsal lel makan ele enty madfona feh , enty de3ty mene yum mamoty , mfesh bena gher a7lam w bas , 7ata el 7elm 2osayar w bas7a tany fe nafs mkany w nafs zamany .. msh h2dar asta7mel aktar .. im on verge of a complete breakdown.

need to change even my hair .

need to change everything in my life badly

need to spread my wings again

stayed too long on land , need to fly away

maybe the colour of the sky will bring peace to me

maybe toughin up my skin will make me protected again

need to search and dig for new pearls

don't wanna lean on anything that might pull me back someday

they say , when you fly you'll raise bigger wings

and bigger wings mean higher and wider scale

need to feel i'm loved , wanted and respected for who i am

not for what i present

need to be loved unconditionly , period .

..................................................

5ayfa w albi bydo2 gamed zay makont ba5af zaman wana soghayara w ab2a 2awza anam ganb mama 3shan a5osh f 7odnaha q tany yum ab2a nasya , nasya ene kont 5ayfa l7ad maygy blel tany w ala2eny brdo 5ayfa ... albi bydo2 awi , ya rab ana malesh gherak , 5alek m3aya.

bordom !

Ever seen the movie ( he's not that into you )/?


it was a bestseller too , it talks about relationships between men and women through surveing into lives of many couples in the movie .. anyway i'm not talkin about the movie , i'm talkin about same concept .. when you are in a relationship and you feel it doesn't satisfy your needs .. first you notice the changes but you give the other party many excuses like he / she might be tired , has problems , stressed , maybe it's your fault in a way , you refuse to think it's perminent and you don't wanna make it an issue , and sometimes you think you are wrong and everything is fine .

Second , this phase continues and you stop tmaking excuses bec simply you realize it's beyond that ( the recognition phase) , in this phase you begin to name things by its true names , ignorance, insensitivity, intolerance .. you reach to a point where you face yourself , it's real and a fact , there's something wrong !

Third . you begin to react , you still in denial but you find some reaction to do , maybe things get improved maybe you can mend it , there must be a chance to fix it ( the trying phase ).. this phase might take quite some time .

Fourth ... the phase of submission , you submit to the idea that things are coming to an end and you should deal with facts .. this phase is severe and depends entirely on your self strength and how much you can handle separation .

Fifth .. the withdrawal phase , severe and hard and loooooong , might end by drastic change in the way you act and the way you feel about everything in life ... then comes the last phase ...

The Tolerance Phase .... you begin to continue life

bordom !

Ever seen the movie ( he's not that into you )/? 

it was a bestseller too , it talks about relationships between men and women through surveing into lives of many couples in the movie .. anyway i'm not talkin about the movie , i'm talkin about same concept .. when you are in a relationship and you feel it doesn't satisfy your needs .. first you notice the changes but you give the other party many excuses like he / she might be tired , has problems , stressed , maybe it's your fault in a way , you refuse to think it's perminent and you don't wanna make it an issue , and sometimes you think you are wrong and everything is fine .

Second , this phase continues and you stop tmaking excuses bec simply you realize it's beyond that ( the recognition phase) , in this phase you begin to name things by its true names , ignorance, insensitivity, intolerance .. you reach to a point where you face yourself , it's real and a fact , there's something wrong !

Third . you begin to react , you still in denial but you find some reaction to do , maybe things get improved maybe you can mend it , there must be a chance to fix it ( the trying phase ).. this phase might take quite some time .

Fourth ... the phase of submission  , you submit to the idea that things are coming to an end and you should deal with facts .. this phase is severe and depends entirely on your self strength and how much you can handle separation .

Fifth .. the withdrawal phase , severe and hard and loooooong , might end by drastic change in the way you act and the way you feel about everything in life ... then comes the last phase ... 

The Tolerance Phase .... you begin to continue life  

my freinds !

I'm writing notes on my long lost freinds .. Freinds that i lost touch with but never lost a single memory of them .. remembering all our moments , God , i truly had fun

Starting from my happiest life period , Canada , my freinds , noor , sal , Eddy , ... then my first Egypt years freinds , Randa , Hesham and Amal then my saudi freind Samar , love you all forever . We have lost touch for many reasons , either death ( sal and Amal ) .. departure without addresses ( noor , Eddy) .. silly misunderstandings ( Hesham ) .. or just distance and time ( Randa and Samar ) ....... Guys ! i hope you too remember me as much as i remember you , with love and devotion .

                      and i miss you all .

LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE ..

          Ever felt that you are out of place? that you just don't fit in your suit? then you tried to have courage and just proceed hiding your thoughts?
Well ! that's me since i walked on my own feet , trying hard to look as if i don't care .. sometimes i don't but other times like hell i do .. then you think to yourself who have put the rules for fitting and responding? .. just an idiot who thought he knows more .. and you just suffer because he was born before .
When Darwen said monkeys are us , maybe he meant people then , maybe he hated the sight of his wife , one fine morning he woke up , looked her up and then decided .. monkeys are us but in advanced stage .. i mean every fuckin theory was put because of the silliest reasons ever .. then knowledge grown .. heads are blown and whenever you know more your grey zone grows .
And i just feel more and more unfit and not belong .................................
Luckily those monkeys who have never changed to the big grey zone.

EVEN THOUGH !

Still in my blood even though ..
time passes by even though
driving in heavy traffic , thinking about you
never knew how to get over you
maybe i don;t wanna though i haven't seen you for awhile
but when it comes to you , vision is not the rule...
they say time heals , then why it can't when it comes to you?
and why do i feel the burn of tears even though....
i try hard to cope and ignore ??
one word always comes to my mind ..your name !
when i'm lonely or sore
thinking about you , then tears , then endless sleep
sleeping is just like jumping over a bridge ..
you fly like in forever then you are crushed
like endless fall .. still .. even though.

just cry

To Reach The < ever after > ....

     There's a huge problem with the egyptian girls , i've noticed it through my friends ,that once they are graduated marriage becomes the goal , the target , the aime for every move they or their families do !
Sometimes it happens even before graduation , once they reach puberty ... FIRST i'm not against marriage , being a normal healthy girl i would love to get married , but it's not my goal , let's say it's a way to live with someone you love , to live better and happier .. it's a way not a goal ..
      Have you ever thought about this word ?? it means AS LONG AS YOU LIVE FROM THIS MOMENT ... then think of that meaning now spending your life with the wrong person or let's say an ordinary person or sometimes a stranger , how could you bear it ?
       Have you noticed most of the marriages around you? people sometimes live under one roof as strangers , sometimes they hate eachothers after some time .. imagine that you are sleeping with the enemy !!! creepy , na?? Yet all families once their girl reaches adolcence all their comments , hopes, moves , even relations focus only on one target ( 3arees kwais ) .
       Ok , who wouldn't like to have (3arees kwais) but what are the parameteres?
I like a line from the movie Sleepless In Seattle it says ( marriage is hard as itself without adding low expectations to it ) true, true .. bottom line get married because you want to marry THIS particular person , you want to spend your life with her/him .. this one and nobody else .. Once you do this , you will realize the meaning of this word < ever after > and you will bear it happily.

I HAVE FORGOTTEN ME !

      Things i have forgotten about me , is how much i'm strong .. i used to take things to my hands , express my feelings and spell out my thoughts , never to take shit from anybody ,,
How and why would i put up to things demeaning for me , ? even if i like this person , it's not an excuse to take me for granted , frankly i'm pissed of me !
Like i.m cultured , romantic, stylish and nice to people , so why to put up for less people just because i have a crush on them or like them beyond reasons ???
Do i need to grow up ? or do i need to work hard on my self-esteem?
i Don't wanna TAKE SHIT from anybody anymore .

QUESTIONS habla bas existed ...

Q1 : eh aktar 7aga bt3gbny f menna ( my sister )/?
A : that she NEVER looks back .
Q2 : eh aktar 7aga msh bt3gbny fya ?
A : ene msh b3raf a3mel zayaha .
Q3 : eh aktar 7aga bt3gbny fya ?
A : that i always try .
Q4 : tb w hwa da 7elw wala we7esh?
A : zeft !
Q5 : eh ele y5aly a guy ykon 5ateb w yklm bent tanya gher 5atebto?
A : so2al ahbal w sazeg.
Q6 : ( same q bas btare2a tanya ) tb eh ele y5aly walad by7b bent yo5tob wa7da tanya?
A : ensan 3ando ezdwag ma3ayeer y3ny double standards .
Q7 : tb eh ele y5aly bent ( ay bent ) t7b walad keda?
A : hya min hwat ta3zeeb elnafs aw 3ndaha low self esteem aw ay 7aga b2a.
Q8 : leh kol matkon kwais m3a 7ad y7awel hwa ygra7ak ?
A : keda .
Q9 : leh msh b3raf anam kwais b2aly esbo3?
A : msh 3arfa
Q10 : tb leh b2aly fatra msh mabsota?
A : eh da? mkontsh wa5da baly ene msh mbsota .