حكاية البنت الأولى 

النهارده عايزه تكون لوحدها ..

فيه أيام بتهرب فيها من نفسها , و فيه ايام بتبقى عايزه تهرب فيها مع اي حد حتى لو كانت عارفه انه مش هو ده اللي عاوزاه 

بس النهارده عاوزه تكون لوحدها !

امبارح كان يوم دراما .. كان فيه دموع كتير ,دموع كده من غير سبب و حلم غريب طل عليها من عدم قلب كيانها كله , خلاها

تحس ان حياتها دي مش حياتها و هي جواها جزيره كده معزوله  محدش غيره عرف يوصللها  مع انه مش معاها .. مع انه اناني 

.. مع انه بعيد عن طبعها بس قريب لروحها ..

روحها و روحه بيعملوا دايره مغلقه , محدش غيرهم بيقدر يدخلها . بس محدش بيعيش في الدنيا بروحه بس , الارواح دي بتاعة الاخره لكن الدنيا بتاعة واحد وواحد يساوي اتنين مهما كانت الحسبه فضفاضه .

قفلت الموبايل ! و خرجت و هي كده اختفت عن اي حد يسأل عنها .. طب هو في حد بيسأل؟ أيوه فيه ..ده وجع قلب ..فيه ناس 

بتسأل عليها بس هي نفسها النهارده تكون منسيه .. تقعد مع نفسها و معاه في أفكارها .

تروح فين؟ النيل؟ لأ ! واسع اوي و هي عاوزه حدود حواليها .. حاجه كده تقفلها عليها ..

راحت لمكان بتاعها لوحدها .. مش عاوزه حد يعرفه غيرها , و افتكرت كلام امبارح , ياااه .. كان كتير و كان لذبذ و عيطت منه كتير 

و صحيت عينيها مورمة وواجعاها .. بس جواها فاضي كده كأنه كان بحر و نشف ..

امبارح ده كان لازم يحصل .. البخار لما يملا مكان لازم ينفس عن نفسه قبل ما ينفجر .. و هو اللي بدأ .. هو اللي سأل ..

هو اللي نكش في كل اللي كانت قافله عليه جواها ... هو كان عنده فضول مش اكتر , حاسس انها بتتسرب و عاوز يعرف الأسباب ..

هو بيحبها؟ يمكن كان بيحبها ..

الرجاله غير الستات ! 

هي عارفه كده كويس , الراجل بينسى بسرعه , حياته بتاخده و عقله بيحميه من أي تقلبات .. لكن الست بخار و موج و رياح 

مش بتهدى .. داخلها يموج و داخله يخبو .. هي دي طبيعة الستات و الرجاله ..

 و هو راجل . بس راجل بتحبه و ساعات بتكرهه , بس هي عارفه انه طول ما بتكرهه هي بتحبه .. الكره هو العمله التانيه للحب .

طب و بعدين؟

عارفه انه مفيش و بعدين .. ما بعد البحر سوى المدى .. هي وصلت للمكان ده بعد كتير أوي , و تعبت!

بس الراحه لها تمن و هي مش حمل تمن الراحه ..

بيقولها يا ريتنا .. طب ليه يا ريتنا؟ ما احنا كنا فيها . بس هي ما قالتلوش حاجه , مش عايزه ترجع لورا .. مش هو بس اللي

مش عاوز يرجع لورا .. 

زمان و هي صغيره كانت بتحب تمشي مطرح ما رجلها تاخدها , مش واخده بالها من الاتجاهات , بس جواها يقين انها هتعرف 

ترجع ... عاوزه بس تتفرج عالاماكن و الناس .. و كانوا يدوروا عليها لحد ما يلاقوها و محدش يصدق انها عارفه هترجع ازاي ..

بس هي كانت عارفه هترجع ازاي .. هي بس عاوزه تتفرج و تبعد .. الطبع المغامر اللي مش بيفهمه غير صاحبه , لانه بياخده

 ساعات لاماكن بعيده عن المنطق و الحدود , الناس مش بتفهم كده , المغامر بس هو اللي بيعرف انه كده بيتنفس و يعيش ..

و هو كان معاها .. هو كان الجناح اللي شايلها لكل مكان و هو برضه كان الجناح اللي بتستخبى تحته لما تعصف بيها الرياح.

بس ده خلص خلاص .. هو مش جناحها , و قعدت كتير كتير لحد ما طلعلها جناح و بقت هي اللي تطير , بس برضه جناحها

فيه حته مكسوره هو بس اللي بيكملها .. و كرهت ضعفها و كرهت انانيته ..

الدنيا بتكون سهله أوي و احنا صغيرين , و لما بنكبر بتتعقد .. لأ.. مش الدنيا هي اللي بتتعقد , احنا اللي بنتعقد من جوه , 

بنبقى ناس تانيين , كل حاجه بتبقى معقده و لها تأويلات و تفسيرات و معاني كبيره فارغه بس موجوده .. مع ان الاصل في كل

 شيء هو البساطه .

بتشرب كباية الشاي , مالوش طعم , بس هي قررت تشربه عشان كان نفسها فيه من الصبح .. وواحد هناك بيبصلها , بيبحلق فيها , هي بقت واخده على كده , و بقت متعوده تتجاهل ,كأنها مش هي و كأنها مش هنا .

امتى اكتشفت انها انسانه لها طبيعه خاصه و بوهيميه؟ و محتاجه لآفاق جديده كل شويه؟ مش من كتير , بس ده دفعت تمنه كتير

كان بيسألها طب احنا ليه اتقابلنا؟ هي قالتله عشان نكبر و نعرف نفسنا اكتر و ندفع التمن ..

هو قال: بس ده تمن غالي أوي .. طب تقوللو ايه؟ هي كمان معندهاش كل الاجابات .. يمكن عشان برضه اللي احنا خدناه كان كتير أوي , يمكن كان جميل أوي و دي الدنيا مش الجنه يعني .. بس ماتكلمتش , اختارت الصمت , هو برضه دماغه مريحاه .

البيتزا دي تقريبا مش طازه او بايظه شويه , مش مهم , امال جهاز المناعه بتاعها ده فايدته ايه؟ مش هيحصلها حاجه ..

هي حاسه ان كل حاجه مش مهمه في اللحظه دي , دي اللحظه اللي عندها كله  بيتساوى هي مع المكان مع الزمان مع الحدث , كله بيدوب في لحظه , و مش عاوزه تعرف الساعه كام!

و الراجل اياه اللي كان بيبحلق فيها رجع يحوم حواليها .. و هي مش طايقه حتى تبصله , الرجاله مش بيفهموا ان الستات عندهم

 رادار اتجاهات , مش ضروري يبصوا عشان يفهموا , هما بيعرفوا من غير نظرات , بيحسوا , الاحساس اللي هو عند الراجل

يعتبر معجزه من المعجزات ..

و تاني فكرت .. الرجاله دماغها مريحاها ..

و فتحت الموبايل , انتهى وقت العزله !  هي خلاص قررت ترجع للحياه الاعتياديه بس برضه بطريقتها هي ....

هدنه كده !

you've got mail!

you've got mail!
why do people love this movie that much? it's a very simple story , two strangers hate eachothers on real , end up loving eachothers after getting to know eachothers online through emails...
maybe the idea of exploring the other through writing , writing anonymously liberate the person , the ideas and the feelings .. it's true we are more free to express ourselves to strangers more than to people who know us and see us all the time .
or is it about the coincidence? the magic of the unexpected meetings , people , the adventure which we always seek .
in travelling also , you tend to know many people , new faces , new stories and lots of memories , places you might love or hate .
in travelling i like the stories of old people , always warm and sentimental , they hug you with their memories and the lines of their faces , they wanna remember their youth through talking to you .
the lessons they have learned , the adventures they went through , the old beautiful times they had , and suddenly you feel you wanna live their times .. it was good times.
last thought .... you can't be a king without a kingdom , you can't be a king without a crown but you can always be a king without clowns around you. 

things i like

mmm , let me see ..... coz i don't wanna miss a thing
1- chocolate .. the brown magic that melts in your mouth sweetly
2- books .. when my mind travels , sometimes i don't want it back
3- dreams ... where i just lose conscience and dive in the other world
4- my car .. my private world
5- my bed ...where menna nags me usually
6- cakes .. always i feel home just smelling it
7- my hair ... bec it's now long , mom used to cut it short when i was a child and i always looked at other gurlz with long hair as super heros.
8- silver things .. just love its glow
9- music .. where my soul drowns
10- my laptop ... my window to the world
11- winter... where you can hide in your shelters
12- rain ... yes and the smell of it
13- jeans... the sense of freedom
14- AbbA ... remembering mom and early beautiful years
15- sunglasses ... talking about shades and shadows and how to hide your looks
to be continued ...........

  

the first moment

awel la7za btwga3 hya awel la7za btes7a feha men el noom .. the awakening moment ..
btefta7 3enak w b3den btfakar w b3den btefteker w b3den bt2ol ayyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh btkon msh msada2 en da 7asal bt7es b waga3 w b3d keda ya btnam tany ya bt2om .. el la7za dee lazem twsal feha l rabna 3shan hwa bas ele momkin ysma3ak .. gher keda maynfa3sh , la7zet el waga3 dee btkon bta3et rabna hwa bas ele momkin ynfa3ak .
song bta3et farid atrash gat f dmaghy now ( leh el donya gameela w 7elwa wenta m3aya , wenta m3aya ) farid el atrash mat Allah yr7amo .
bas ana lesa mamotesh , lesa 3aysha , mashy , el hamdolelah anyway
t2reban my sister sa7ya btzaker , msh 3awzaha t7es ene sa7ya .. msh ha2dar aklmha now.
my dreams have become my shelter now .. i love dreams it's the area between hope and imagination , it's where reality can't reach you .. el a7lam hodna men el zaman .. a break 

happy new year

it's a new year .. sad that it should be a beginning but for me i feel it like the end of the universe i know
for years I've been in a warm shelter and suddenly i feel cold naked and deprived 
the sad part is the loss and the saddest part is the fear of this loss
i can't cope with my loss and that's what is tearing me apart , can't stand life alone without my blanket of love .. he was my blanket , the warm soft tender wide blanket that covered me all those years ... i can't cope , it's that simple , can't accept ,
pretend that i accept and acting satisfied but i'm torn inside because i can't grab what is slipping from my hands 
i rely on people around me but nobody can give me what i had , not even close 
and i sleep , i sleep , i sleep but the worst part is that eventually i wake up and can't force sleeping again..
and dreams , haunting even my dreams , sometimes sweet , sometimes better , most of time painful ..softly painful 
and tears , i wonder from where all these tears come from? is there a drying point for them?a full stop , a break even? 
i miss , let's meet .. i'm coming to you now .. where? any place , OK let's go to this or that , OK which hour? as you like , let it be that hour , OK ..... where are you? i'm on my way , OK don't be late
i'm wearing something new for you .. and i'm having a surprise for you ... really? i like surprises ... OK and you will love it ...... let's walk .. by car or feet? feet .. OK 
and jokes and saying the selliest things and gossiping about life, friends, events .. and jokes and laughs and many splendid things 
how could you lose your memory without losing your mind?
how could you stop breathing and still living? this is the painful incomplete death.
            and happy new year.

hello universe ..........
me again after a long time , feeling lonely up to my neck 
all is blurred , what i want i can't get
and what i have is already i don't want 
and between what i have and what i want a huge gap of loneliness..
expected ! as you can't have it all , but sometimes they do say i have it all, 
depends entirely on what you really think of yourself and everybody around,
like for instance if you have a nose and you think it's big while everybody around you say it's good,
it's pretty , still what you think is what matters ,
satisfaction??? maybe later when i'm out of this mood. 

!

 You lose once more .

grip your shit together girl .

 Because i hate waiting .. and i hate stalking .. and i hate following you .. but i love you .. i love being with you .. i love talking to you .. Hell , i love you so .
BUT , a big but .. can't just pretend that i don't see the smoke when it blinds my eyes , 
That's why i need to get a grip .. if you want me then you know what to do , if you don't then i'm better off alone ..
Please want me as i want you and grab me before i fall .
Love you like a butterfly loves flames of fire.

ya rab...

ya rab ana 3awza mama ..ezay tb3tly mama? ezay tab awsalaha ..nefsy bas to7dony w terga3 tmoot tany .. 7odn wa7ed bas ya rab , 7odn wa7ed w 5odha tany aw 5odny m3aha .. mfesh 7aga laha ta3m.ana men gherek mlesh 7ad , lonely, lonely 7ata wana f west nas kteer .. 7ata msh 3arfa awsal lel makan ele enty madfona feh , enty de3ty mene yum mamoty , mfesh bena gher a7lam w bas , 7ata el 7elm 2osayar w bas7a tany fe nafs mkany w nafs zamany .. msh h2dar asta7mel aktar .. im on verge of a complete breakdown.

need to change even my hair .

need to change everything in my life badly

need to spread my wings again

stayed too long on land , need to fly away

maybe the colour of the sky will bring peace to me

maybe toughin up my skin will make me protected again

need to search and dig for new pearls

don't wanna lean on anything that might pull me back someday

they say , when you fly you'll raise bigger wings

and bigger wings mean higher and wider scale

need to feel i'm loved , wanted and respected for who i am

not for what i present

need to be loved unconditionly , period .

..................................................

5ayfa w albi bydo2 gamed zay makont ba5af zaman wana soghayara w ab2a 2awza anam ganb mama 3shan a5osh f 7odnaha q tany yum ab2a nasya , nasya ene kont 5ayfa l7ad maygy blel tany w ala2eny brdo 5ayfa ... albi bydo2 awi , ya rab ana malesh gherak , 5alek m3aya.

bordom !

Ever seen the movie ( he's not that into you )/?


it was a bestseller too , it talks about relationships between men and women through surveing into lives of many couples in the movie .. anyway i'm not talkin about the movie , i'm talkin about same concept .. when you are in a relationship and you feel it doesn't satisfy your needs .. first you notice the changes but you give the other party many excuses like he / she might be tired , has problems , stressed , maybe it's your fault in a way , you refuse to think it's perminent and you don't wanna make it an issue , and sometimes you think you are wrong and everything is fine .

Second , this phase continues and you stop tmaking excuses bec simply you realize it's beyond that ( the recognition phase) , in this phase you begin to name things by its true names , ignorance, insensitivity, intolerance .. you reach to a point where you face yourself , it's real and a fact , there's something wrong !

Third . you begin to react , you still in denial but you find some reaction to do , maybe things get improved maybe you can mend it , there must be a chance to fix it ( the trying phase ).. this phase might take quite some time .

Fourth ... the phase of submission , you submit to the idea that things are coming to an end and you should deal with facts .. this phase is severe and depends entirely on your self strength and how much you can handle separation .

Fifth .. the withdrawal phase , severe and hard and loooooong , might end by drastic change in the way you act and the way you feel about everything in life ... then comes the last phase ...

The Tolerance Phase .... you begin to continue life

bordom !

Ever seen the movie ( he's not that into you )/? 

it was a bestseller too , it talks about relationships between men and women through surveing into lives of many couples in the movie .. anyway i'm not talkin about the movie , i'm talkin about same concept .. when you are in a relationship and you feel it doesn't satisfy your needs .. first you notice the changes but you give the other party many excuses like he / she might be tired , has problems , stressed , maybe it's your fault in a way , you refuse to think it's perminent and you don't wanna make it an issue , and sometimes you think you are wrong and everything is fine .

Second , this phase continues and you stop tmaking excuses bec simply you realize it's beyond that ( the recognition phase) , in this phase you begin to name things by its true names , ignorance, insensitivity, intolerance .. you reach to a point where you face yourself , it's real and a fact , there's something wrong !

Third . you begin to react , you still in denial but you find some reaction to do , maybe things get improved maybe you can mend it , there must be a chance to fix it ( the trying phase ).. this phase might take quite some time .

Fourth ... the phase of submission  , you submit to the idea that things are coming to an end and you should deal with facts .. this phase is severe and depends entirely on your self strength and how much you can handle separation .

Fifth .. the withdrawal phase , severe and hard and loooooong , might end by drastic change in the way you act and the way you feel about everything in life ... then comes the last phase ... 

The Tolerance Phase .... you begin to continue life  

my freinds !

I'm writing notes on my long lost freinds .. Freinds that i lost touch with but never lost a single memory of them .. remembering all our moments , God , i truly had fun

Starting from my happiest life period , Canada , my freinds , noor , sal , Eddy , ... then my first Egypt years freinds , Randa , Hesham and Amal then my saudi freind Samar , love you all forever . We have lost touch for many reasons , either death ( sal and Amal ) .. departure without addresses ( noor , Eddy) .. silly misunderstandings ( Hesham ) .. or just distance and time ( Randa and Samar ) ....... Guys ! i hope you too remember me as much as i remember you , with love and devotion .

                      and i miss you all .

LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE ..

          Ever felt that you are out of place? that you just don't fit in your suit? then you tried to have courage and just proceed hiding your thoughts?
Well ! that's me since i walked on my own feet , trying hard to look as if i don't care .. sometimes i don't but other times like hell i do .. then you think to yourself who have put the rules for fitting and responding? .. just an idiot who thought he knows more .. and you just suffer because he was born before .
When Darwen said monkeys are us , maybe he meant people then , maybe he hated the sight of his wife , one fine morning he woke up , looked her up and then decided .. monkeys are us but in advanced stage .. i mean every fuckin theory was put because of the silliest reasons ever .. then knowledge grown .. heads are blown and whenever you know more your grey zone grows .
And i just feel more and more unfit and not belong .................................
Luckily those monkeys who have never changed to the big grey zone.

EVEN THOUGH !

Still in my blood even though ..
time passes by even though
driving in heavy traffic , thinking about you
never knew how to get over you
maybe i don;t wanna though i haven't seen you for awhile
but when it comes to you , vision is not the rule...
they say time heals , then why it can't when it comes to you?
and why do i feel the burn of tears even though....
i try hard to cope and ignore ??
one word always comes to my mind ..your name !
when i'm lonely or sore
thinking about you , then tears , then endless sleep
sleeping is just like jumping over a bridge ..
you fly like in forever then you are crushed
like endless fall .. still .. even though.

just cry

To Reach The < ever after > ....

     There's a huge problem with the egyptian girls , i've noticed it through my friends ,that once they are graduated marriage becomes the goal , the target , the aime for every move they or their families do !
Sometimes it happens even before graduation , once they reach puberty ... FIRST i'm not against marriage , being a normal healthy girl i would love to get married , but it's not my goal , let's say it's a way to live with someone you love , to live better and happier .. it's a way not a goal ..
      Have you ever thought about this word ?? it means AS LONG AS YOU LIVE FROM THIS MOMENT ... then think of that meaning now spending your life with the wrong person or let's say an ordinary person or sometimes a stranger , how could you bear it ?
       Have you noticed most of the marriages around you? people sometimes live under one roof as strangers , sometimes they hate eachothers after some time .. imagine that you are sleeping with the enemy !!! creepy , na?? Yet all families once their girl reaches adolcence all their comments , hopes, moves , even relations focus only on one target ( 3arees kwais ) .
       Ok , who wouldn't like to have (3arees kwais) but what are the parameteres?
I like a line from the movie Sleepless In Seattle it says ( marriage is hard as itself without adding low expectations to it ) true, true .. bottom line get married because you want to marry THIS particular person , you want to spend your life with her/him .. this one and nobody else .. Once you do this , you will realize the meaning of this word < ever after > and you will bear it happily.

I HAVE FORGOTTEN ME !

      Things i have forgotten about me , is how much i'm strong .. i used to take things to my hands , express my feelings and spell out my thoughts , never to take shit from anybody ,,
How and why would i put up to things demeaning for me , ? even if i like this person , it's not an excuse to take me for granted , frankly i'm pissed of me !
Like i.m cultured , romantic, stylish and nice to people , so why to put up for less people just because i have a crush on them or like them beyond reasons ???
Do i need to grow up ? or do i need to work hard on my self-esteem?
i Don't wanna TAKE SHIT from anybody anymore .

QUESTIONS habla bas existed ...

Q1 : eh aktar 7aga bt3gbny f menna ( my sister )/?
A : that she NEVER looks back .
Q2 : eh aktar 7aga msh bt3gbny fya ?
A : ene msh b3raf a3mel zayaha .
Q3 : eh aktar 7aga bt3gbny fya ?
A : that i always try .
Q4 : tb w hwa da 7elw wala we7esh?
A : zeft !
Q5 : eh ele y5aly a guy ykon 5ateb w yklm bent tanya gher 5atebto?
A : so2al ahbal w sazeg.
Q6 : ( same q bas btare2a tanya ) tb eh ele y5aly walad by7b bent yo5tob wa7da tanya?
A : ensan 3ando ezdwag ma3ayeer y3ny double standards .
Q7 : tb eh ele y5aly bent ( ay bent ) t7b walad keda?
A : hya min hwat ta3zeeb elnafs aw 3ndaha low self esteem aw ay 7aga b2a.
Q8 : leh kol matkon kwais m3a 7ad y7awel hwa ygra7ak ?
A : keda .
Q9 : leh msh b3raf anam kwais b2aly esbo3?
A : msh 3arfa
Q10 : tb leh b2aly fatra msh mabsota?
A : eh da? mkontsh wa5da baly ene msh mbsota .