happy new year

it's a new year .. sad that it should be a beginning but for me i feel it like the end of the universe i know
for years I've been in a warm shelter and suddenly i feel cold naked and deprived 
the sad part is the loss and the saddest part is the fear of this loss
i can't cope with my loss and that's what is tearing me apart , can't stand life alone without my blanket of love .. he was my blanket , the warm soft tender wide blanket that covered me all those years ... i can't cope , it's that simple , can't accept ,
pretend that i accept and acting satisfied but i'm torn inside because i can't grab what is slipping from my hands 
i rely on people around me but nobody can give me what i had , not even close 
and i sleep , i sleep , i sleep but the worst part is that eventually i wake up and can't force sleeping again..
and dreams , haunting even my dreams , sometimes sweet , sometimes better , most of time painful ..softly painful 
and tears , i wonder from where all these tears come from? is there a drying point for them?a full stop , a break even? 
i miss , let's meet .. i'm coming to you now .. where? any place , OK let's go to this or that , OK which hour? as you like , let it be that hour , OK ..... where are you? i'm on my way , OK don't be late
i'm wearing something new for you .. and i'm having a surprise for you ... really? i like surprises ... OK and you will love it ...... let's walk .. by car or feet? feet .. OK 
and jokes and saying the selliest things and gossiping about life, friends, events .. and jokes and laughs and many splendid things 
how could you lose your memory without losing your mind?
how could you stop breathing and still living? this is the painful incomplete death.
            and happy new year.